


No More Uranus Jokes

by Melissae



Category: Rise of the Guardians (2012)
Genre: Aliens, Crack Fic, M/M, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-25
Updated: 2014-07-25
Packaged: 2018-02-10 09:05:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2019171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melissae/pseuds/Melissae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jamie has an awful lot of books about aliens, and Jack has an awful lot of free time. (Note: Rating increased for the second chapter.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I ended up spending a fair amount of the evening thinking about rabbits and invasive species and the fact that it's really weird that they decided Aster should be Australian, all things considered. But then it was six am and things got a little silly.
> 
> I don't usually just write boys being silly, so this was kind of fun. I am specifically posting this now so I can't reconsider when I wake up.
> 
> Picture was found [here](http://www.pinterest.com/pin/152207662376440530/) on Pinterest.

It all started with [an Easter egg](http://imgur.com/fyd6Hhx).

Aster wasn't particularly surprised to find an egg in his warren, all things considered, and it wasn't even that unusual to find one that he didn't recognize. Ever since he and Jack had become close, he'd usually find a couple of Easter eggs each year that had Jack's-- _individual_ flair. Still, this one didn't seem to be Jack's usual style. It was remarkably simple; there was no glitter, no pom-poms, and only two colors had been used. Just a green egg with a little face on it. As far as Jack's eggs went, it was downright tasteful, even if something nagged at him in the back of his mind when he looked at it. He squinted at it, trying to figure out the catch.

Sure enough, the minute he knelt down to pick it up, he heard a quiet snicker from behind him. He sighed, turning the little egg around in his paws. "Come on out, then, Jack," he called.

When Jack appeared in front of him not two minutes later, Aster instantly recognized the grin on his face. That was the "I have done something completely obnoxious and you will be most displeased when you see what it is" grin. He regarded the egg with a bit more suspicion. That was an awfully large grin for such a small egg. He held it up, and summoned up all the sternness he possibly could under the circumstances. "Care to explain this, Jacko?" he asked.

"Wellll," Jack started, spinning his crook, and Aster winced internally. Playing with the staff never boded well. "So I was talking to Jamie yesterday, and apparently they're doing a unit on Australia in school."

"Go on," Aster said, getting his disapproving eyebrow ready. He still remembered the day that Jack had found a book on Australian slang. They no longer spoke of that day.

"Did you know," Jack said, leaning forward conspiratorially, "That bunnies are an invasive species in Australia?"

Yep, there went the eyebrow. "I do, as it turns out." Did he ever. And all he could do was hope that Jack never heard about the Easter Bilby incident.

"And _speaking_ of aliens..." Jack said. He waggled his eyebrows meaningfully at Aster, and Aster didn't even bother stifling his sigh. They'd long ago put a moratorium on Uranus jokes, but Jack was anything but unimaginative.

"Cut to the chase, Jack," Aster said, holding up the egg. "What is this?"

Jack blinked at him, and then if anything, his grin grew wider. "You don't know what that is?" he asked, and for just a moment looked as if Christmas had come early.

Heart sinking, Aster shook his head.

"It's a _Roswell_ alien," he said, like that was in any way less confusing.

"A what now?" Aster asked.

Jack reached out and took the egg from him, twirling it around in his free hand. "So some people believe that aliens have visited Earth," he said, giving Aster a knowing look.

Sure enough, Aster found himself getting miffed. "Well, they have." And some stayed, for that matter.

Jack nodded. "Yeah, yeah, but I don't mean like you. Like little green men," he said.

Aster looked at the egg. It was indeed little and green, though "man" was up for debate.

Jack followed his gaze. "Yep! Just like these. People say they crashed out in the middle of New Mexico in this town called Roswell. People also say that they liked to kidnap humans every so often."

Aster watched Jack's expression, and knew that this was leading nowhere good. North may have felt these things in his belly, but Aster could feel them right on his forehead--mainly by way of extreme headache.

Jack grinned, and it was like a particularly annoying cat had gotten the cream. "Do you know why?" he asked.

"No," Aster said shortly. "I can't imagine what any intelligent race would want with you lot."

"Well," Jack said, drawing out the word in a way that made Aster feel very uneasy, "They'd take them up into their ship and--well, _you know_."

No, Aster did not know. Aster did not want to know. Aster wanted his mate to stop smiling at him with too many teeth and maybe even go away and leave him to his work. 

He'd hoped to convey this with his expression, but Jack just crowed with laughter. "They would do experiments," he said, sly. And then he let his crook hang in the air so he could make a gesture with his hands that was just vague enough to be _completely_ filthy.

"Jack!" Aster said, scandalized. Maybe a bit too much so, considering the "experiments" that he and Jack had managed to get up to previously. But truly, it was the principle of the matter. "Where did you even hear about a thing like that?"

Jack shrugged. "Jamie has a lot of books about aliens and bigfeet and stuff, and I have a lot of free time in the off season," he explained.

Aster was pretty sure he felt his eyebrows clear his scalp. "Jamie? Our Jamie has books about--"

"Probing," Jack filled in helpfully.

"Pr--bloody hell, Jack." Aster opened his mouth, closed it again, and then shook his head. "Only humans would think that another race would traverse the entire universe just to have a good root."

"You mean you didn't?" Jack asked, all wide-eyed innocence.

Aster just leveled a glare his way that spoke multitudes. Any other spirit would have quailed in the face of that, but Jack had never been cowed by anything Aster did, and he definitely wasn't about to start now. Aster prepared himself for what was coming, knew in his bones what was about to come out of his mate's mouth.

"So... that's a no on the probing, then?"

Aster took the egg from Jack's hand and threw it right at his big mouth. 

And if, much later, after the Great Egg War and during the ensuing bath, there was just a bit of probing, well. He was an invasive species, after all.


	2. Well, Okay. Maybe Just A Couple.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> how I learned to stop worrying and love the probe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I blame you all for this because you really should not have encouraged this. I was going to just post this on tumblr like I do with most of my fic bits, but then the epilogue turned out to be even longer than the initial story and wow, I just really like making alien sex jokes.
> 
> Not betaed or anything because I really couldn't subject my usual friend to this.
> 
> I'm so sorry.

The smell of damp fur, raw eggs, and floral soap hung heavy in the warren. Aster felt a pang of regret when he thought about his freshly-dried fur, but not enough to stop what he was doing.

Jack quivered on the grass beneath him as Aster lapped at the base of his spine, ran paws down the backs of his thighs, and he supposed that had been what Jack had been after all along. He'd thought that Jack had been strangely accommodating after the egg fight, dipping into a hot bath with him and working bath soap through his fur with strong fingers and a minimum of teasing about how utterly ungainly he looked while soaking wet. He'd even stretched out with him in the sunshine afterwards, carding through fur that grew steadily warmer and drier in the midday sun. But then petting had led to stroking, and one thing and then another and--

"Aster, come on!" Jack bucked up against his lips and gave a little wriggle with his hips, clearly ready to proceed with things.

Aster just growled and tightened his grip around Jack's hips, digging his claws in just the slightest bit in ten tiny pinpricks of warning. They both knew that it was a bluff, however. Despite sharp teeth and even sharper claws, Aster had never hurt Jack during their lovemaking and likely never would.(Boring, Jack called it. Aster ignored him.)

Jack sighed, dug his fingers into the grass, and tried another tack. He arched his spine just so, the way he knew drove Aster crazy, and mewled.

This did not work. Instead, Aster snorted and pulled back to get a good look at the posterior Jack was presenting him with. "Shameless."

Jack turned his head to grin up at him through his eyelashes. "And you love it."

Aster huffed out a laugh instead of agreeing to a statement they both knew was true. He slid his paws down so he could cup Jack's ass, and then leaned forward for a nuzzle.

A breathless laugh, and Jack was shoving something back at him. Aster looked down at the little bottle and shook his head. He knew the little wanker had been planning this, though when he'd had the chance to grab this in all the chaos was beyond him. Then again, knowing Jack, maybe he'd been planning it before he'd even dyed the egg.

Aster sat back on his haunches just long enough to coat his fingers, then carefully prodded at Jack's ass, testing his sensitivity.

"Y'know," Jack said, his voice infuriatingly conversational, "For a guy who insists that aliens don't experiment on humans, you've sure spent enough time experimenting on me."

"Patience, Jack," Aster said, not letting himself be distracted from the soft give of Jack's hole against the pads of his fingers.

"No, really," Jack said, pushing back with his hips just a bit, never able to resist pushing the boundaries. "How many times did we do this before you were willing to finger me?" He gasped as surprise caused Aster to sink a finger in a bit quicker than usual. "And the kissing! How long did it take us to get that one right?"

It had taken some doing, but they'd just about figured out the limits of Jack's terrifyingly fragile human body. Aster was still a bit hesitant about putting his claws inside of him, but Jack had insisted loudly and often that it was "basically the best thing ever, now get inside me". And he'd been equally insistent that if Aster could manage to make his mouth speak English, he could sure as hell use it to kiss him. And other such verbs.

Still, though. He didn't like thinking about it like he was "experimenting" on Jack. It wasn't as if Jack hadn't done his own share of poking around. Pooka erogenous zones were even less familiar to him than human ones were to Aster. So it wasn't experimentation. Maybe "mutual exploration". Mostly, Aster just thought of it as having fun--a thing he'd been doing a lot more of since Jack had taken over his life.

Speaking of which... Aster crooked one of his fingers just so, and smiled the smug smile of the truly content when a shudder ripped through Jack's body and he was suddenly, blissfully silent. Aster took advantage of the silence to use his free paw to stroke down one of Jack's legs soothingly, and pressed a whiskery kiss to the swell of his ass.

It didn't last, though. It never did. "And," Jack panted, his head hanging down between his arms, "Seems to me like at least one alien is pretty good at probing."

"Hush," Aster said, and if he growled to hide the quirk of his lips that he couldn't quite manage to hold back, then at least Jack couldn't see it. It was never good to encourage him.

Jack shook with silent laughter, though, so it was possible that he wasn't fooled. "Almost done preparing for the final frontier back there?"

Aster was not going to ask. He was not. He _did_ not, which was perhaps why Jack was able to get the timing just right when he said, "Gonna boldly go where no man's gone before?"

Aster, who was finally leaning forward, cock in hand, to press inside, was surprised into letting out a bark of laughter. He almost missed entirely, but as it was, his entrance was not as smooth as he generally preferred. "Excuse me?"

Jack, for his part, did not seem disappointed in any lack of technique. He hummed appreciatively and pressed back to meet Aster's thrust. "A lot of people plant flags when they reach a new world, but I gotta say, I like your way a lot more," he said, and to his credit, his voice only shook a little.

"Oh, for--" Aster thrust in sharply, hoping to shove the laughter right out of him, but Jack just gasped out another hysterical little laugh.

"Gonna make me see stars, Aster?" he asked, and Aster was gratified to hear the question edge off into a groan.

At this point, Aster realized (as best he could with all of his blood running southward) that there was really only one way to stop Jack once he got started on these things. Upping the ante. "You bet." 

Aster sat backwards and hauled Jack back with him to sit in his lap, cradled against his chest. Jack oofed as Aster's cock was forced further inside of him, and Aster grinned. "Yeah, that'll be the gravity for you." Another sharp thrust upward. "It's stronger here than it is on some other planets. Makes for a fun romp, though it'd be fun to see what we could manage in zero G."

Jack was shaking helplessly now, though whether it was because of overstimulation or laughter Aster wasn't sure. He palmed Jack's cock almost casually, sure to let the slightly rough patches on his pads rub up against impossibly sensitive skin, and tilted his head down so he could nuzzle against Jack's ear. When Jack shivered, he gave him an extra little lick for good measure.

Jack huffed a shaky laugh. "Going in for a taste?" Aster made a little sound of assent and bit down gently just below his ear. "I've heard about aliens like you. You come down to earth and sweep guys off their feet and then next thing you know, it's To Serve Man all over again." And then when Aster was quiet for a moment, trying to parse that, he added, "Dinner. And I'm on the menu."

Aster chuckled low in his throat and let one of his paws drift up from Jack's groin until it was placed right over his heart. He pressed down lightly, forcing Jack even more firmly against his chest. Then he pressed his lips right up against Jack's ear to whisper, low, "And how can I resist when you taste so damn good?"

Jack whimpered and reached down towards his cock, but Aster batted his hands away, instead wrapping his free paw around it and stroking _just right_ even as he increased the pace of his thrusts. Jack threw his head back against Aster's shoulder and moaned out loud, scrabbling around with his hands until he could fist them in soft, gray fur.

Aster kept his thrusts strong and steady, and he could feel Jack's heart racing against his paw. It wouldn't be long now, he was sure of it. And everything would have gone according to plan if Jack hadn't made just one more last-ditch effort to annoy him. "Preparing one last injection for the captive?" he gasped out, right in Aster's ear, and Aster couldn't help it. He burst out laughing, curling up around Jack, holding him close, shaking in and around him. They both came like that, wrapped up together and trembling with laughter and pleasure both, and it was probably just about the least dignified thing either of them had ever done.

When Aster finally got himself together, he could hear Jack blathering on again already. Truly, no one could ruin an afterglow like Jack.

"It could be worse, though, I'm telling you. You're way hotter than E.T. and at least I don't have worry about some kind of weird alien baby thing ripping through my chest."

Aster just sighed, exhausted, and rested his chin on top of Jack's head. It could definitely be worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I lied. I'm not sorry.

**Author's Note:**

> I have a lot of regrets.


End file.
